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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Sat Feb 05, 2011 9:03 pm

Eat it Jake, I re-did it.


Last edited by Nick on Fri Feb 11, 2011 6:34 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Story

Post  Joe on Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:10 pm

I see a bit more Fullmetal alchemist coming off of it, but I like it. Its in a similar world anyway. Do you want me to do a bit of an outline/world map maybe so you can come up with more ideas?
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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Tue Feb 08, 2011 7:18 pm

That would be boss, when we get on WoW we can discuss it more.
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Re: Story

Post  harbinger on Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:28 am

wow... it's like the dark side of the mmorpg force...
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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Thu Feb 10, 2011 9:05 pm

Joe, where you able to find that rpgmaker 2000 download?
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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Thu Feb 10, 2011 10:15 pm

By the way, I re-did that last part so take a look please.
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Re: Story

Post  harbinger on Fri Feb 11, 2011 12:39 am

It was pretty good before but its much better now I did notice a couple of spelling errors and i had a suggestion or two (since you asked) if something was a spelling word error or something I put it in " ", then I made my suggestion in ( ).


Nick wrote:My recovery has been extremely difficult. My normal exercises have become near impossible due to the excruciating pain that mere movement causes me. My body has slowly begun its way to recovery but I am still deeply concerned that I cannot move left arm and right leg. While the rest of my body has been worked back into condition, my arm and leg have remained without feeling. I have gone to the doctor several times and they refuse to see me. Because I must leave tomorrow, I decided to have the lab’s head scientist give me a quick check to see if anything can be done. The head of scientific research was a very odd man to say the least that I have had an awkward history with. Dr. James Marcus was an over eccentric, psychotic, sociopath. I walked toward the huge lab room that always seems colder than the rest of the base. I walk into the research room where you can always find Marcus working day and night. As I enter I notice a heavy breathing in the near pitch black room. “Dr. Marcus…can you take a look at my hand please?” Suddenly, a large, red creature that looks slightly like a dog but with a mouth that opens four ways, jumps from the shadows and tackles me. With my hand and leg still not working, I cannot keep balance and I go down on my back. The creature bites furiously at my throat but I manage to catch it "about 2 inches from me" (too much detail, might want to just say you more or less clinched your hand around its throat as it pushed towards you the measurement seems a bit too detailed to me, but this is only an opinion). I can feel its humid breath heavy on my throat and it is still flailing its jaws in a frenzy to kill me. I push with all my strength and manage to knock the dog off of me. He darts around "my"(ME) in circles and "snaps at me" (just snapping) constantly. It suddenly stops, steps back, and lunges at me, jaws agape. "I step to the side out of reflex and grab a syringe off a nearby table. The creature takes another lunge and I stab the needle through its back." (using "I" too often find some synonyms. maybe rolling to the side a syringe lays nearby, I manage to palm it just in time to stab it into the base of the creatures skull ) To my surprise it has no effect and he just keeps coming back at me. In a final attempt it tackles me full strengthed and it knocks me over on to the ground. I hold its mouth back with all my strength but it gets closer to my throat. I can feel its jaws "one" (on?) my hand as I attempt to hold back its amazing biting power and I soon realize, with only some of my body working and me still being in poor condition I can hold it back no longer. It pushes closer to me and I can feel it just about to bite my throat. *BOOM*, the creature falls over on me. After a quick sigh of relief and a quick “Thank You” (no quotation needed since your in 3rd person)to God I move its body off of me and I notice several small darts in its back. Dr. Marcus is standing behind "us" (ME,your alone now that its down) and he looks at me and smirks “I was under the impression that the Crusaders were an elite group of soldiers…” The creature is "grabbed"( maybe carried?) by several of Marcus’s assistants and they carry it off into the shadows. I begin to stand but I only get about halfway up before I crash back down to the floor. "I notice make out three small darts in my leg" (no notice) through my hazy vision and I drift from consciousness.
I awoke to find myself in the examination room in the science department. I try to move but my hands and legs are held down with cold metal restraints. My shirt has been removed and I feel as though the dark room is closing in on me. Suddenly a light shines down on me. The Dr. comes up to me with several of his assistants and some tools. “You want an exam eh? OK then.” He pulls up a very large scalpel and moves it toward my chest. “If you were curious….”(he says almost mockingly,?) I take a deep breath as he stabs the razor sharp knife into my chest. I get ready for the surge of pain but I feel nothing. “The reason your leg and hand are not working yet is because they have not yet been turned on.” He takes a screwdriver and twists something near my ribs. My body surges with a shocking feeling and "I must hold back tears" (cry baby scream in pain or something) as the pain surges through me. My leg and arm start moving on their own and then they cease their spasm. I feel as though I have control over them again and the pain dulls. I stretch them both out, and to my surprise the metal "bends stretch" (are they metal bAnds? or is the metal bending?) with them. I push them both out as hard as I feel I should and the restraints snap clean off. Marcus smirks and he quickly applies a tool across my cut and it disappears. He undoes the other restraints and I stand. “That is all, now get out.” He throws me my shirt and coat, and then walks out in an accomplished stride.




wow, thats got alot more feeling of depth in it, though i feel like an english teacher lol
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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Fri Feb 11, 2011 6:33 pm

My recovery has been extremely difficult. My normal exercises have become near impossible due to the excruciating pain that mere movement causes me. My body has slowly begun its way to recovery but I am still deeply concerned that I cannot move left arm and right leg. While the rest of my body has been worked back into condition, my arm and leg have remained without feeling. I have gone to the doctor several times and they refuse to see me. Because I must leave tomorrow, I decided to have the lab’s head scientist give me a quick check to see if anything can be done. The head of scientific research was a very odd man to say the least that I have had an awkward history with. Dr. James Marcus was an over eccentric, psychotic, sociopath. I walked toward the huge lab room that always seems colder than the rest of the base. I walk into the research room where you can always find Marcus working day and night. As I enter I notice a heavy breathing in the near pitch black room. “Dr. Marcus…can you take a look at my hand please?” Suddenly, a large, red creature that looks slightly like a dog but with a mouth that opens four ways, jumps from the shadows and tackles me. With my hand and leg still not working, I cannot keep balance and I go down on my back. The creature bites furiously at my throat but I manage to catch it by the base of my head but it is gaining closer to me neck. I can feel its humid breath heavy on my throat and it is still flailing its jaws in a frenzy to kill me. I push with all my strength and manage to knock the dog off of me. He darts around me in circles snapping and biting constantly. It suddenly stops, steps back, and lunges at me, jaws agape. Stepping quickly to the side I manage to palm a syringe off a nearby table. The creature takes another lunge and goes straight into the needle in front of it, piercing it through the base of its skull. To my surprise it has no effect and he just keeps coming back at me. In a final attempt it tackles me full strengthed and it knocks me over on to the ground. I hold its mouth back with all my strength but it gets closer to my throat. I can feel its jaws on my hand as I attempt to hold back its amazing biting power and I soon realize, with only some of my body working and me still being in poor condition I can hold it back no longer. It pushes closer to me and I can feel it just about to bite my throat. *BOOM*, the creature falls over on me. After a quick sigh of relief and a quick Thank You to God I move its body off of me and I notice several small darts in its back. Dr. Marcus is standing behind me and he looks at me and smirks “I was under the impression that the Crusaders were an elite group of soldiers…” The creature is carried off by several of Marcus’s assistants into the shadows. I begin to stand but I only get about halfway up before I crash back down to the floor. I can make out three small darts in my leg through my hazy vision and I drift from consciousness.
I awoke to find myself in the examination room in the science department. I try to move but my hands and legs are held down with cold metal restraints. My shirt has been removed and I feel as though the dark room is closing in on me. Suddenly a light shines down on me. The Dr. comes up to me with several of his assistants and some tools. “You want an exam eh? OK then.” He pulls up a very large scalpel and moves it toward my chest. “If you were curious….” I take a deep breath as he stabs the razor sharp knife into my chest. I get ready for the surge of pain but I feel nothing. “The reason your leg and hand are not working yet is because they have not yet been turned on.” He takes a screwdriver and twists something near my ribs. My body surges with a shocking feeling and I hold back screams as the pain surges through me. My leg and arm start moving on their own and then they cease their spasm. I feel as though I have control over them again and the pain dulls. I stretch them both out, and to my surprise the metal bands stretch with them. I push them both out as hard as I feel I should and the restraints snap clean off. Marcus smirks and he quickly applies a tool across my cut and it disappears. He undoes the other restraints and I stand. “That is all, now get out.” He throws me my shirt and coat, and then walks out in an accomplished stride.
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Re: Story

Post  harbinger on Fri Feb 11, 2011 10:30 pm

The head of scientific research was a very odd man to say the least that I have had an awkward history with. Dr. James Marcus was an over eccentric, psychotic, sociopath.


okay i'm being nit-picky, just because i seen an error, that my good sir is a run on sentance.

The head of scientific research was a very odd man to say the least. Dr. James Marcus was an over eccentric, psychotic, sociopath.

or...

Dr. James Marcus, the head of scientific research, and I shared a awkward history. He was a very odd man, I always found him an over eccentric, psychotic, sociopath.


yeah but besides that it flows very well it seems much more immersive, and it draws you into the plot
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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Tue Jun 14, 2011 12:01 am

Reviving the story for boredom's sake, if you have any minor changes to your characters speak now or forever cry about it. Also, I am awesome.
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Re: Story

Post  harbinger on Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:30 pm

yeaaaaaay! write, write to your hearts content.
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Re: Story

Post  Joe on Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:43 pm

Indeed, write sir.
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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Sun Jun 19, 2011 2:28 pm

Trying, more difficult than expected.
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Re: Story

Post  Sabra on Wed Jun 22, 2011 11:53 pm

Nick! I love the story!!! Your very talented!!! No input needed!
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Re: Story

Post  Nick on Thu Jun 23, 2011 1:30 pm

thanks
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